Email I sent to my co-workers.

Subject line: Incident

Good afternoon,

I would like to report an accident.

I’m not sure of the correct procedure so I’m starting here.

It appears that this gentleman was carrying a knife when he slipped and fell and lost control of the blade and a bloodbath ensued.

I’m pretty sure he’s beyond helping but I felt it was my duty to report it.

At the very least we should dispose of the body and mop up the blood before someone else gets hurt.



I recently decided to stop eating lunch at my desk and start eating in the lunchroom with my fellow humans. 

I did it twice with positive results. Or so I thought. 

Word must have gotten out because now when I enter the lunchroom this is the sight that greets me. Oh, cruel world. 

This one has snuck up on me.

I always start thinking I’m overly tired or getting sick and then realize I’m sliding down that slope.

I’ve been feeling fat lately. Let’s be honest, I am overweight, but the magic of working out is that even if I haven’t lost weight I feel thinner and sexier and prettier. It’s like being on drugs!

Lately I’ve been slacking. We just moved so I was busy for a while packing up the old house and our new place is much, much smaller so my workout area is still full of boxes. There just never seemed to be time. And of course, I don’t make alternative plans, like going for a walk. I just give myself a pass and eat crap and sit on the couch.

Now, I feel like that crap I’ve been eating.

Yesterday I asked Eric if I felt ugly because I haven’t been working out and he said that maybe that was the case.

So, it’s time to stop slacking!

This weekend we will set up the workout area and, more importantly, I will use it, God dammit!

Side Note: 

Words keep being underlined in this post and I can’t figure out why. Usually when I type a word that I know isn’t a word I know it. You know? Today, I feel like I’m really, really tired and words that seem real aren’t. Maybe.

Side Note II: 

This –

I’ve been watching this today. Some of these salmon don’t even seem to be trying. C’mon! How are you going to get up a waterfall by jumping straight up at the base. You need to take that shit at an angle dude!  Get up some speed and give ‘er!  Also, BEARS! 🙂

I have been donating my hair for quite a few years now.

I just did it again for the fourth or fifth time. I can’t remember. I’ll have to look for my little certificates.

I grew my hair for 3 years this time and it was almost at bum level!

People always say that it’s so great that I do this, but really, it’s because I am a lazy ass with a good heart. :p

I hate, hate, hate paying $70 to get my hair trimmed. I can’t be bothered dying it. I do nothing with it in the morning besides wash it … most of the time. It spends its time down until it dries and then up it goes into a ponytail or super messy bun-type thing.

Solution: grow it until I can’t stand it and then chop it all off and donate it! BAM!

This is amazing because:

  1. I never have to dye my hair – because you can’t if you want to donate it!
  2. I get a hair cut once every two to three YEARS!
  3. I help out little kids who need wigs and that actually does make me feel good.

I send my hair to Angel Hair for Kids because they rock.

This is me getting the latest choppy chop!

I grew it extra long this time because last time they had to cut it super short to get the 12″ … I’m talking razor blade short … and the short hairs irritated my neck fat. Never again!


The chop begins!


Almost there!




Afterwards I carried this around in my bag for a while. Then I started to feel like a serial killer so I got off my ass and packed it up and mailed it off. Which now that I write that down doesn’t sound any less serial killery. I cut all my hair off and mail it to people because I’m a good person!


Wanna touch it?


I can stretch it to 14″, I swear!

There you have it.

If you’re lazy and nice … donate your hair!

I’m hoping to squeeze in one more before I’m too grey to be acceptable.

I was having a loose jeans day on Friday. I was at work and I had to pull my belt to the fourth hole and I thought to myself, Those 4 lunch salads are already paying off!  I’ve probably lost 5 pounds through salads alone! Yay for me!

Cut to Saturday. I’m getting dressed to meet my family for lunch. It’s summer, but I’m putting on jeans because I have amazingly white legs and I haven’t shaved them so jeans are safer. For everyone.

I go to do my belt up and I seem to be able to pull it even further than on Friday. Could this be? Could I finally be losing weight magically with no effort like I always wanted?!


I’m still as chubs as I ever was and my belt decided to prove that to me in a decidedly dickbaggish fashion.


I had broken my belt. It was literally hanging on by an effing thread. Okay, two threads, but that’s not much better! What a kick in the vag!

Also, I spent the whole weekend packing, because we’re moving soon, and I didn’t get out to buy a new belt so today is going to consist of me walking around holding my pants up manually. Unless I can find some string, or I tape them to myself somehow.



Bright Light! Alien Invasion? Inconsiderate Neighbours?

3/4 Asleep Me: Who is shining a bloody great big stupid light through the window when I’m trying to sleep!?

1/2 Asleep Me: That’s the sun, dumb ass. It’s still light out. We go to bed before the sun goes down. If you listen carefully you can hear children playing outside.

3/4 Asleep Me: Dammit.

1/2 Asleep Me: Just put a stuffed animal over your eyes and go back to sleep.

3/4 Asleep Me: Stupid daylight.

I’ve been doing really well lately.

I changed meds in December and after clawing my way out of that shit storm things have been pretty good.

I’m on a lower dose of the new meds, but if I supplement that with regular exercise I find that it does the trick. If I could just keep up the “regular” part of the exercise thing I’d be golden. 🙂

The problem with depression though is that it never goes away. It waits in the shadows. It’s always there, lurking. Waiting for the chance to get its claws into you again. It’s insidious.

In the quiet times I can sense it.

I’ll be at work and having just completed a successful social interaction with a co-worker I’ll sit back down at my desk, smiling and feeling good. At that moment when my smile starts to fade back into my every day face I’ll hear it.

Demon: I’m still here you know.

Me: I know.

Demon: I’ll find a way back in. When you’re weak.

Me: I know.

I do know. And it’s sad and it’s terrifying. And it’s okay.

I’m writing this from a position of happiness and strength where I can see that darkness and I know that it’s coming but I also know that I’ll get through it.

Next time I’m in the darkness and the demon has me I might need someone to remind me of this. Sometimes when you’re in the grip of depression you have a hard time remembering what it’s like on the other side. So I might need someone to read me this and gently say that it will get better. Because it will.

If you’re in the dark place right now I’m here to tell you that it will get better. You’re important. You’re loved. You’re worth the fight. Don’t give up.

If you feel alone and like no one understands you then the internet is your best friend. There are so many of us on here that have found a place to belong, to feel understood, to speak out about the total assholeyness of depression and to not feel alone. We’re out here! Find us!

The most important thing I have learned from Jenny Lawson is that depression lies. Remember that.

Depression lies and I call bullshit!

Depression Lies

There’s an effing dead effing spider in my effing chips!!!



How many have I eaten that I haven’t seen?

I feel like there are spiders all over me!

Spider Chips

I don’t think you can beat this entrance!

* Doors bursting open
* A soulful cry
* A run down the aisle
* Knocking over a casket
* “Tits” used as a curse word
* And to cap it all off, a slap fight with a priest!

Comedy gold!

I love The IT Crowd!



I woke up over the weekend and thought, “I should Google ‘body falling asleep before the brain’.”

I had a good reason. I swear it happens to me!

I was lying in bed the night before and my brain was churning away and then I heard a sound.

Brain: Is that us snoring?

Body: *deep breathing*

Brain: Shit, am I asleep? I don’t feel like I’m asleep. How can I be thinking this if I’m asleep?

Body: She’s onto us! Wake up!

Brain: That was effed up.

I swear to you, my body was trying to go to sleep before my brain was even ready! Can that happen?

I Googled and found stuff about sleep paralysis, but I don’t know if that’s it. AND people who have sleep paralysis report feeling like they’re choking or that there’s an evil presence in the room with them or aliens! So, I’m pretty sure I don’t want that.

There’s also something called Hypnagogia which is the transition from being awake to being asleep. If your mind remains aware while this is happening … somehow … science … then you might notice that you can’t move or speak.

My experience wasn’t that creepy. I didn’t feel demony or paralyzed. Just a bit offended that my body was so bored with me that it drifted off to sleep.

It’s happened to me before. I normally notice my breathing has changed and then once I notice, it goes back to awake breathing.

I think if I play this right I could be on my way to having out-of-body experiences and I think that could totally kick ass!