Archives for the month of: May, 2016

There’s an effing dead effing spider in my effing chips!!!

A SPIDER!!!!

THE WORST POSSIBLE ADDITION TO A BOWL OF CHIPS!!!

How many have I eaten that I haven’t seen?

I feel like there are spiders all over me!

Spider Chips

I don’t think you can beat this entrance!

* Doors bursting open
* A soulful cry
* A run down the aisle
* Knocking over a casket
* “Tits” used as a curse word
* And to cap it all off, a slap fight with a priest!

Comedy gold!

I love The IT Crowd!

 

 

I woke up over the weekend and thought, “I should Google ‘body falling asleep before the brain’.”

I had a good reason. I swear it happens to me!

I was lying in bed the night before and my brain was churning away and then I heard a sound.

Brain: Is that us snoring?

Body: *deep breathing*

Brain: Shit, am I asleep? I don’t feel like I’m asleep. How can I be thinking this if I’m asleep?

Body: She’s onto us! Wake up!

Brain: That was effed up.

I swear to you, my body was trying to go to sleep before my brain was even ready! Can that happen?

I Googled and found stuff about sleep paralysis, but I don’t know if that’s it. AND people who have sleep paralysis report feeling like they’re choking or that there’s an evil presence in the room with them or aliens! So, I’m pretty sure I don’t want that.

There’s also something called Hypnagogia which is the transition from being awake to being asleep. If your mind remains aware while this is happening … somehow … science … then you might notice that you can’t move or speak.

My experience wasn’t that creepy. I didn’t feel demony or paralyzed. Just a bit offended that my body was so bored with me that it drifted off to sleep.

It’s happened to me before. I normally notice my breathing has changed and then once I notice, it goes back to awake breathing.

I think if I play this right I could be on my way to having out-of-body experiences and I think that could totally kick ass!

I found this in my backyard yesterday.

It’s some sort of crazy, mutant Dandelion. Look at it!

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It’s got a frikkin’ giant trunk thing! With at least 5 heads!

This can’t be right.

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If I cut one off will it regrow 2 more? Like some sort of crazy Dandelion Hydra?

Hydralion?!

Dear God! This is the beginning of the end. Or at least “Little Shop of Horrors 2016”.

Hydralion says, “Feed me, Jenny!”

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What are Abby’s thoughts on all this insanity in the backyard?
“Duuuuuuuuude! Relax, bro!”

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She is no help at all!

We’re doomed.

This is a Dongle.

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It’s what my Fitbit uses to communicate with my computer.

I must say, it’s a very good job I was not in the meeting when they came up with the name for this device, because to me:

Dong + Dangle = Dongle.

This is a dongle, people!

Dongle2

Dongle.

Ha!

 

My brother is a very nice man, with a streak of pure evil in him.

He likes to torture me.

For example, quite a while ago I went down to the basement … his domain, obviously … to do some laundry and while responsibly trying to dispose of my lint I found this:

Hand

It scared the crap out of me and I was forced to burst into his bedroom and beat him with a freshly laundered sock.

More recent evidence of his evil and my idiocy follows.

Saturday

I invited him up to watch a scary movie with me. Saint Eric doesn’t like to watch them so I normally do when I’m home alone. For some idiot reason I thought I would ask Nick to join me. IDIOT!!

He gets a kick out of watching me jump and scream and yell at the characters for never turning on the lights.

Monday

I had to do laundry in the Lair of the Basement Troll. I was down there folding and I hear weird noises. I open the door and Nick is standing there holding his phone to the door and playing “scary sounds” he found on the internet. Ass!

I leave the door open and keep folding but when I look again I can’t see him. This is a clear sign that he’s up to no good. I finish folding and I leave the room kicking because I know he’s out there being evil and if I’m lucky I’ll kick him before he scares me. Sure enough he’s standing in a dark corner of the room with a blanket wrapped around him so only his face is showing! DICK!

Tuesday

I had to finish my laundry. I had one load left in the dryer. Then I get a text.

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I waited for a while and then decided I had to go get it done. I asked Saint Eric to come with me and in a completely unprecedented and unsaintly move he said NO! I tried to explain that I was scared of the dark and what Nick had in store for me but he didn’t seem to think that was a reasonable excuse for a 37 year old woman not to go into the basement alone. Pfffft.

I decided to be brave. I opened the door. I turned on the light. I got to the bottom of the stairs and I peered into the room and then I saw it … the laundry room door was ajar … I freaked out and ran up the stairs whimpering. Back in the living room I did a little dance of fear while telling Eric he had to go down with me. He had the gall to laugh at me and still refuse to help.

I totally bailed on the laundry. I jumped on the couch and hid under my blanket.

Eric laughed. Laughed at my pain. The nerve.

Today

Thanks to Nick I was forced to wear undies from the dregs of my collection and a shirt that doesn’t fully cover my chub which means I will be uncomfortable all day! Ass face!

Why didn’t I go get my laundry in the morning before work, you ask?

Because it’s still dark when I leave for work, assholes! 

I wasn’t risking it! I’m no fool!

Nick, you’re a monster.

I love you!